I may not go out much any more but I sure do have fun when I am in a dream state. The only problem is that I dream that Baddy is also having tons of fun, without me. He is consistently lecherous, doesn’t love me any more and smugly tells me about all of his conquests. It is ironic that I create this world because he is so loyal and true to me in real life. He endures all of my moods and is the only one who can make me laugh at myself when my hair is Medusa style and I am ready to blow up the world. When I wake up mad at him he knows right away that he is in trouble. “Dam”, he exclaims “it’s so not fair that I am such a philanderer and I am not even privy to it.”
So what is my problem? I guess I’m deeply insecure and should see a shrink but have no money and definitely no time.
My dreams can be so disturbing that they wake me up. The last time this happened I dreamt that Baddy and I went to a beach in the early evening with a group of young surfers in a place similar to Sayulita, Mexico. We sat down in the warm tropical breeze and watched the huge beautiful waves. We were partying and having fun.
Suddenly, I was in the trickest bar in the world, walking alone through rooms that were open to the outside tropics. Each room had a different theme with great music and drinks to match. The first room was sexy and all black with purple lights and I was wearing a white mesh t-shirt with white boot legged jeans. Outside were stone steps that climbed down to the sea and people were sitting everywhere dangling their feet in the warm water and laughing. I began flirting with some Argentine boys. They liked me and wanted me to go off with them. My chief admirer was gorgeous but he had a really long mullet. He wanted to know if I liked him and I told him “yeah, all but the mullet.” I hurt his feelings so badly that there was no returning and he faded out.
Baddy faded in and came up from the beach with his buddies. In my dreams Wade is always so cute and the life of the party. A very drunk, small, dark eyed, dark haired, mysterious Argentine girl came in behind him. She was not beautiful but magnetizing with an amazing body. She was wearing a thin tight fitting t-shirt and a big wide belt. Her jet black hair was tied back in a pony tail with a wide headband. She came up from behind Baddy, wrapped her arms around him and told him she loved him. He looked back and smiled. I jumped up to defend what was mine telling her that he loved me and than I picked her up from her armpits and threw her out of the window. Her male friends were hanging out at the bottom of the fire escape and they thankfully caught her. I walked inside, slightly embarrassed, and felt Wade’s eyes piercing into me. In a flash an Argentine menacingly approached me with a fork and put it under my eye. He told me that the girl was his friend and demanded to know why I threw her out of the window? “Lo ciento, perdonna me”, I pleaded, “she was trying to take my Baddy away from me. He is my love”. I feel like crying just writing about it months later.
In my next dream Baddy informed me that he had met somebody else. I asked him if anything had happened. He told me that she wouldn’t let him do anything because he was married and he thought that was bogus. He went on to tell me that he called and called her and when there was no response, he went over to her house. She was sick but still climbed on top of him. I told him that I was going to divorce him and that he would not get any of my Madoff money. I kept telling myself that I was dreaming, that Baddy would not do that to me. I woke up and realized that it was not a dream. How could I ever trust men again?
I was now in Nantucket and couldn’t find the restaurant where my family was waiting for me. I had grown up in Nantucket but was still always lost on the cobblestone streets in the fog. I walked down the stairs to the restaurant and all my friends were there. I was miserable, ready to die. Did they all know? My family was sitting at a round table and I sat next to Baddy. He acted untainted by my misery. He ignored me and had a big smile on his face because he was now in love with somebody else. When I finally did wake up I wondered if maybe I should stop using my Progesterone cream!
Last night I dreamt that all bloggers gain twenty pounds from sitting at their desks all day writing. I wondered if it was worth it and contemplated giving it up.
My writing is really getting the best of me. I have become obsessive and realize that I have started something that I cannot finish, ever. Poor Baddy is not getting any attention at the moment unless I am dreaming. I get exasperated with him that he can’t finish cooking the dinner, clean up and put the boys to bed by himself. What makes things worse is that the boys all want mommy. I am so popular with my family but at the moment don’t desire all the attention. I feel like I am trapped in a William Wharton novel and slipping over to the dream side.